fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
