he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
