SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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