They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
