I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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