hotel room ftw
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
