i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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