When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
