i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
