I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
