her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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