Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
