So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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