His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
