break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you had me at cake vodka
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
