I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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