So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
