the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
