i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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