good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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