Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
