Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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