I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
