you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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