Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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