Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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