I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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