And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
