between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
