And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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