I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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