I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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