after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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