Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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