so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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