but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
