I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
