Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
