please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
