i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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