I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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