I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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