Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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