Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
