Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
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We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm having to shit out rocks
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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