Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
