Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
