filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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