You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
