i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
