I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
