life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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