party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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