Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
