so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
