If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
